TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, sure, let us have An additional spot the place American Adult men can have on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although prior negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: provide Everybody a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It really is that he should really quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the project, replied, "You realize, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from House, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not only ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Features


Perhaps the strangest Trump Tower Damascus aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place company might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also include things like:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to determine a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down provider."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything a few. You are welcome."

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